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How to announce a pregnancy

I have received so many questions like this, I have lost count.

How do I tell my ___ , who has been dealing with infertility for years, that I am pregnant?

Fill in the blank with who that is. Sister. Best friend. Aunt. Niece. Whatever.

My answer is very simple.

1. Firstly, it is helpful if you can talk to the person prior to finding out if you are pregnant. If it ever comes up in conversation prior to you knowing you are pregnant, ask them how they would want to be told.
2. If you have not done this, the general rule is do not tell the person in person. A very nice card or email allows them to digest this news privately. 
3. If you are concerned that this may not be the right way for your loved one, consider sending the husband an email and asking him his opinion. Generally, while husbands are effected by infertility, the pregnancy announcements do not impact them the same way. The husband can either tell you how to tell his wife, or he can tell her himself.
4. Remember that these announcements are a reminder. The woman feels as if she is being passed or even lapped. She wants to be a mom so bad, and she is jealous. These feelings often make her feel guilty for feeling that way, but she cannot control the emotions. She knows she should be happy for you, but her own pain trumps that emotion. Telling her via email or card allows her to react and prepare properly.
5. If you wanted to make a public announcement, at a party or family function for example, and it would be inappropriate to leave this woman out of this group, send an email or card first and mention what you plan to do and that you want her to be prepared.
6. If this woman is very close to you (like a sister) consider changing the way you would tell your family out of respect for her. 
7. Once the woman knows, if you need guidance, ask her. Ask her if she'd like to be left out of Facebook posts about your pregnancy. Invite her to your baby shower but send a note or tell her that you completely understand if she doesn't await to go.
8. Remember that you don't have to completely understand why your loved one is impacted by this so much (those not dealing with infertility just cannot relate completely) to be kind.

Question? Comments? Please email me at wendi@wendikitsteiner.com or leave a comment on this post.

Sermon on Infertility

Yesterday I wrote of how I randomly happened upon an incredible Mother's Day sermon by Pastor Bob Coy.

Here it is. What I love about this talk is that he covers motherhood, adoption, abortion, infertility, and prodigals all in one talk.

Here is that talk, in His words.

2 Kings 4:8

One day Elisha went to the town, the town of Shunem. A wealthy woman lived there, and she invited him to eat some food. From then on, whenever he passed that way, he'd stop by.

She said to her husband, "I am sure this man who stops in from time to time is a holy man of God. Let's make a little room for him on the roof and furnish it with a bed, a table, a chair, and a lamp. Then he will have a place to stay whenever he comes by."

Later Elisha asked Gehazi, "What do you think we can do for her?"

And he suggested, "She doesn't have a son, and her husband is an old man."

When the woman returned, Elisha said to her as she stood in the doorway, "Next year about this time you'll be holding a son in your arms!"

"No, my lord!" she protested. "Don't lie to me like that oh man of God."

Now pause right there before we go to verse 17. What is this? Don't lie to me oh man of God? Why does that seem like an apparent contradiction: Don't lie to me man of God.

Here's what she's saying: she's saying: "Don't mess with me! Bearing children is a very sensitive subject if you can't!"

I have to, because some of you know our story, pause long enough to say, it is a very sensitive subject.

Proverbs 30:15-16: "There are three things that are never satisfied. Four that say never enough."

Number 1: the grave. The Proverbs writer says the grave is never satisfied; the grave will always want and take another body.

The second thing on the list?

A barren womb.

This woman has had that hope in her heart for how many years? But the Bible says hope deferred makes the heart sick.

When Elisha the man of God says, "Next year you'll have a baby," she says, "Don't mess with me! That's a serious subject, don't play a game with me. If I'm gonna have a baby, I've got to be certain!"

Why?

Because if you've ever had to go on the rollercoaster ride of infertility, you know that the ups and down can be very, very traumatic.

And we did that roller coaster for 10 years.

And the last couple of years while we were still barren, Mother's Day was not a Sunday that Diane liked to come to church.

Why?

Just too heavy.

There are always some women who still want to be moms.

Let me also say that in a church like ours, the church today, there's another sensitive side to that same subject because the Supreme Court in 1973 said we could say goodbye to the life that our womb is created for. And in this room today there's a handful of women who don't want to hear about Mom. Why do they feel that way? Because now the longing desire they had hoped with their heart, has been dashed by a decision they live to regret.

Now, my responsibility, my position as pastor is one to say, if you did make that decision there is healing found in Jesus Christ.

But let me also say, that if you're a wanna-be mom, there's also healing in the lives of some of the girls who have determined that its best for them to gift their baby for an adoptive purpose.

Because of those girls, you might find there is still life in store for you, and I am the man of God that might be in Elisha's place today and say, "Next year at this time you'll have a baby in your arms."

You say: "Bob I can't believe you'd say that, you have no idea how much that hope lies in my heart."

Oh I know that hope well! Because I remember many years being ago on my living room floor crying out to God, saying, "God I just want to be a dad. Why is this so hard? You know my heart; I want to be a daddy!"

You see these girls who decide to gift their child, what is that? That's the ministry of Mary, the mother of Jesus Christ.

The ministry of Mary?

Yes!

Mary knew that Jesus wasn't hers; Mary knew that Jesus belonged to someone else, and when a young girl finds herself with an unexpected pregnancy and determines that her child is for someone else, there is great healing in the house of God.

Why?

Because God navigates these paths in such a way. You could be someone here, from an adoptive family and your mother is every bit as a mother as anybody's mother who biologically brought them into the world.

My point it's a sensitive subject and if we are to be sensible, sensitive Christians, we will have the same sensitivity as we watch the reaction of the woman who says, "Hey man of God don't' mess with me!"

Well you know the story. Verse 17: "But sure enough, the woman soon became pregnant. And at that time the following year she had a son, just as Elisha had said. One day when her child was older, he went out to help his father, who was working with the harvesters."

And suddenly the son complained, "My head hurts! My head hurts!"

His father said to one of the servants what most fathers say, "Take him to mom."

So the servant took him home and mother held him on her lap. But around noontime he died. She carried him up and laid him on the bed of the man of God, shut the door, and left him there.

She sent a message to her husband: "Send one of the servants and a donkey so that I can hurry to the man of God and come back."

Now Dad is somewhat clueless, so he says, "Why are you going to the man of God today? Is it a new moon? Is it festival or church service?"

She said, "No, it's all right."

Now why does she say it's all right?

Scholars and commentators scatter on this point. Either:

1. She's saying everything is okay because she realizes her husband really can't do what needs to be done.
2. She's saying it's okay because she's trying to be a good wife and leave him alone because he's got a busy business day ahead. 

In verse 24, she saddled the donkey and said to the servant, "Hurry! Don't slow down on my account unless I tell you to."

She approached the man of God at Mount Carmel, and Elisha saw her in the distance. He said to Gehazi, "Look, the woman from Shunem is coming. Run out and meet her and ask her if everything's okay: how's your husband, how's your child?'"

"Yes," the woman told Gehazi, "Everything is fine."

When she came to the man of God at the mountain, she fell to the ground, and she caught hold of his feet. Gehazi began to push her away, but the man of God said, "Leave her alone. Something's troubling her deeply, and the Lord's not told me what it is."

And she said, "It was you," and I can hear the disdain and the disgust in her voice, "My lord who said I would have a son? And didn't I say not to raise my hopes?"

Elisha said to Gehazi, "Get ready, travel, take my staff and go! Don't talk to anyone along the way. Go quickly and lay the staff on the child's face."

But the boy's mother said, "As surely as the Lord lives and you live yourself, I won't go home unless you go with me."

In another words, "Don't send your staff! This is a job for you Elisha, not another pastor."

There are times I say my staff should go and times God says, "No, this is not a job for your staff; this is a job for you."

My point is there are times that God's gonna call you! You will be the one helps the hurting woman who finds that she's beside herself because her son is dead.

Her son is dead!

Spiritually speaking there are a lot of women in this church today who's sons are dead, dead spiritually! They're disconnected from God and some women believe that if they can make their way to Elisha then he will solve the problem ... it may be you that God is choosing to employ to make difference in the life of woman who's son is spiritually dead.

What happens next? Well again, so many of you know the story: "When Elisha arrived, the child was indeed dead, lying there on the prophet's bed. He went in alone and shut the door behind him and prayed to the Lord. And then he lay down on the child's body, placing his mouth on the child's mouth, eyes on the child's eyes, hands on the child's hands. And the child's body began to grow warm again! Elisha got up, walked back and forth in the room a few times, and he stretched himself out again on the child. This time the boy sneezed seven times and opened his eyes! Then Elisha summoned Gehazi. 'Call the child's mother!' And when she came in, Elisha said, 'Take here your son!'"

Labor with unbelievable perseverance. Mom's are your boys dead? Are your daughters dead? Have you come here with a prayer: God please bring spiritual life to my son.

Well I'm glad you have. I don't' know anyone else on the planet that's gonna pray for your boys and girls like you will! I don't know anyone else on the planet that's gonna care for your kids like you will! You can't outsource mom's prayers. There's no prayers like moms prayers because mom is mom and nobody else will pray the way a mom will!

And that's why to this day I still hear my mom's voice. She's been gone for more than 10 years but I still hear my mom speaking,

Don't give up. Just because it appears that your kids are not listening -- they're listening. You're still putting it in, and because your still putting it in, there will be a day that it's gonna come back. And it may be after you're gone.

Again, how many years has my mom been gone with the Lord and I still hear her voice? Trust me, they will still hear your voice, but don't abandon the responsibility because they pay no attention. God will chose to employ your words with the spirit's strength and they will hear your voice mom and dad, just don't give up. Don't give up.

Lastly I want to encourage you surrender with forever faith.

Exodus 2:2. "So the woman conceived and bore a son and when she saw that he was beautiful, she hid him for three months."

Most of you know the story. Moses' mom hid him for three months because, of course, there was a life-threatening leader. "When she could no longer hide him, she took a basket of bulrushes for him, daubed it with asphalt and pitch, put the child in it, and laid it in the reeds by the river's bank."

What did she do?

She released her child with a trust in a greater good. And again I'll say, she released her child with a trust in a greater good.

Moms? It's a powerful position you're in. You can release with a greater good -- it's what Moses mom did, and again it's what Jesus mom did. She released her child for greater good.

Dad's have a way of easily cutting the cord, letting go.

Mom's tie a knot in it.

A lot of people can say they love me. A lot of people can say the say words, Bobby I love you but no one can say, Bobby I love you like my mommy.

Yes many times for the greater good, there's nobody like you mom; nobody like you.

Father God we come to you in Jesus' name. And we're so thankful for this woman that you have placed in our path that has meant so much to the next generation. Lord we pray that today you strengthen their resolve, Lord that they see just how important, how necessary, how imperative, their role and responsibility. Lord if too often we have given them the impression that this thing called mom is, is something that we can outsource, something we can negotiate, Father forgive us. Today we esteem, today we honor, and today we declare our thanks to mom. God bless them, in Jesus name we pray Amen.

You know Jesus said it this way in Mathew 23:11: "If you want to be the greatest you must be the servant of all."

And I think there's a lot of great moms because they chose to be the servants of all. So here's what I say, I've said this before; I declare it today, no dishes for mom today. Guys listen to me, no dishes for mom today! Everyone agree? All right!

Just put them in the sink. She'll do them on Monday.

How to help your friend through infertility

I often get emails from blog readers asking me questions. The question I get the most, a prevailing question if you will, is how can they help a friend who is struggling with infertility.

One of my more popular posts is this one: What not to say to your infertile friend. It details what types of things are helpful or hurtful as you help your friend navigate this difficult journey.

Another popular post I wrote was a letter to a grieving friend. I titled it: To My Grieving Friend.

There is always a person (or more) that I am "currently" supporting in infertility. As a friend has their journey end (either because of a successful treatment or because they decided to stop treatments), another one "pops up" that I start corresponding with -- either in person or via technology.

I will tell you that standing alongside these women, even for me, someone who knows the journey firsthand, is never easy. It is painful for me. It hurts me to see them hurting. It stresses me out to wait for results with them. It angers me when results are negative. (But it really excites me when the results are awesome!)

It also helps me see how wonderful and strong people who stood alongside me were. Wow! It takes a lot of courage to support someone who is in deep pain.

I recently read an article detailing how a couple can survive the pain of repeat miscarriages. While written for couples and miscarriage, I really thought the suggestions were incredibly applicable to anyone standing alongside someone in grief. Some of the tips included:

• Hug. A lot. A full embrace with the your favorite person in the world can help heal in incredible ways. Don’t avoid intimacy, pursue it. Sit close. Sleep closer. Don’t be away from each other for extended periods of time.
• Talk. We talk about our pain, our anger, and our frustrations. We invite our close friends into our conversations and they patiently listen without unloading their suggestions. We also talk about the weather, the Red Sox, and what’s for dinner. Be sure to continue life in increments you can handle.
• Cry. Together. Missy has an amazing way of comforting me by crying with me. She’s silent and she’s present. Our moments of weakness are often perfectly matched in strength by the other, enabling us to carry each other through.
• Pray. It can be silent. It can be quiet. It can be screamed at the top of your lungs. Talk with the God who understands the loss of a child. Ask that He grant you the peace that surpasses all understanding.

The author of this article said something else that was incredibly powerful. He wrote: "I know it’s impossible for a marriage which has suffered loss to pass through unchanged. And I’ve been told the couple has a choice: they can let the trial of fire either define them or refine them."

I so agree. Both for a person and a couple, one must decide how this experience will define their life.

In 2007, during the early days of our intended adoption from China, I wrote a post entitled: Not bitter ... Not broken. I wrote:

The subject of "bitterness" has come up in recent weeks in numerous conversations I have had regarding infertility and grief. Even today, bitterness is my constant enemy. I am very careful not to allow myself to make calloused comments or hateful statements. Phrases like, "I'll never get pregnant. What am I doing wrong? Why can't it be my turn? That's so unfair etc. etc." These phrases just have to be eliminated from my vocabulary. John helps me in this. Early on in my infertility journey I had an image of myself at my own funeral. I realized that the eulogy could go two ways. Either everyone would say, "You know, from the moment she found out she was barren, that woman became the most bitter, biting old hag I ever met ..." Or, people could say, "You know, even though she fought that infertility crud, she never let it get the best of her." I wanted the latter! I wanted to be happy.

As a supportive friend, you are going to see your friend reach a crossroads. They must decide, at some point, that they will either (a) let this experience break them and bitter them OR (b) let this experience make them stronger and better both as a person and a couple.

I chose BETTER over BROKEN. I chose BIGGER over BITTER.

Encourage your friend to use this experience for good. Explain to them how you, watching from the outside, have been changed by their pain, and how it is helping you in your own life. The truth is: you can't make this better for them.  Love them. Let them grieve. And grieve with them.

Aisha Tyler shares infertility journey

I don't watch The Talk and I don't know much about Aisha Tyler. But huge applause for her sharing her infertility story with the whole world. I continue to think that if we allow women to talk about this and share it, then we won't feel so alone. You definitely want to watch the video of her sharing her story.

Jimmy Fallon

Comedian and talk-show host Jimmy Fallon recently opened up about his new baby born via surrogate and the five year battle they faced against infertility. Incredibly open and insightful! Click here to watch the interview for yourself.

You're kidding! Medical clown increases pregnancy rates with IVF

A study of 229 Israeli women undergoing in-vitro fertilization (IVF) to treat infertility found that a 15-minute visit from a trained “medical clown” immediately after the embryos were placed in the womb increased the chance of pregnancy to 36%, compared with 20% for women whose embryo transfer was comedy-free.

Read more by clicking here. 

Why does it hurt so much?

I found this online article and really related to what it was saying and how it explained the loss that infertility creates. I am speaking again when I return home to South Florida and am in the midst of IVF #5. I am therefore busy "thinking" about infertility again. Hope this article ministers to you.

Study by Sandra Glahn

A couple sat to eat lunch with me after I had spoken at an infertility symposium. As we began to talk, I asked the wife, “When you grieve over your infertility, what is your greatest loss?”

She didn’t have to think about her answer. “It’s the loss of a dream; my heart’s desire is to have my husband’s child and raise it together.”

I turned to the husband and addressed him. “And you?”

He looked at her, then back at me. After hesitating a moment, he spoke to her gently, and stroked her arm, “Don’t take this wrong, honey, but…” Then he looked at me. “It’s the loss of my wife—she is not the same woman I married. Infertility is really taking a toll on us.”

“You’re normal,” I assured them. After enduring a decade of infertility treatment that included multiple pregnancy losses, three failed adoptions, and an ectopic pregnancy, my husband and I had talked to numerous couples. And I recognized their stress, which—though different in each couple’s case—was still a normal response to an abnormal experience.

Infertility is hard stuff. In fact, “The depression and anxiety experienced by infertile women are equivalent to that in women suffering from a terminal illness,” says Alice Domar, Ph.D., director of the Mind/Body Center for Women’s Health in Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center at Harvard Medical School .

Why is it so difficult? We’re not talking about buying a new living room set here. We’re talking about having a child—someone who will throw her arms around you, even throw up on you. The idea of conceiving child as the product of two people’s love is a precious dream, and a deep longing. Thus, what a comfort it often is for couples to discover Proverbs 30:16, which tells us that a “barren womb” is among four things on earth that are never satisfied. The intense desire to have children is part of the way God structured the world. The drive, the longing, that “unsatisfied” feeling—these are part of the design.

To read more, click here.

Love Compels

No matter how far away I feel from my years of infertility, videos like this one featuring my online friend Stacy who is in this video, choke me up every time.

I have been having a rough time emotionally lately. I imagine it is mostly (those darned) hormones. Thinking about going home for Christmas. Going back to Minnesota. Doing IVF again. Struggling a bit. A bit down. Not sure I am ready to be "waiting" again.

For those of you waiting for children or a spouse or a salvation or deliverance, cling to God. He's present. He never changes. He loves you.

Guest Blogger: IVF Boosters

I have been having more and more people contact me. They want to know if they can write a guest post for my blog. The answer is, yes you can. I welcome guest contributors. You can email me at wendi@wendikitsteiner.com with your story of choice and a photo of yourself. Any topic that does not contradict my personal convictions is welcome.

 

The following post is by Catie Keeler. I do not know Catie personally but she contacted me to see if I would welcome a post dealing with ways to improve IVF success rates. Sounded great to me! 

 

While I believe that no matter what you do, infertility treatments may not work for you ... or despite everything you don't do, they do work, I never think it hurts to be thinking of how to be as healthy as possible before you begin a treatment cycle. I personally used acupuncture with one of my cycles and found it very helpful -- even though the result was not in our favor. Lowering stress and eating well are never bad things, even if they don't produce the desired outcome.

 

I am including this article now because JB and I are actually preparing to return for our embryos in December. I am not emotionally ready to write more about this yet ... but stay tuned. I am definitely beginning to think about the things I actually can control and do to keep myself at my healthiest as we prepare to give these little babies a chance at life. Hard to believe it has been nearly five years since our fourth failed IVF attempt. Even harder to believe we are going to do it again.

 

Natural Ways to Enhance the Success of IVF

In-vitro fertilization (IVF) is often the measure of last resort for women struggling to get pregnant naturally, many times offering the last chance to have a baby of their own. It is also an involved process that is very expensive and doesn't offer any guarantee of success.

 

The process is already emotionally fraught, and the chance of failure can make it even harder. Fortunately, there are some natural ways to help improve the chances of success. Though there are never any guarantees, these natural methods may be able to help improve your odds with IVF:

 

Reduce Dietary Toxins: Common dietary toxins like alcohol, caffeine, food preservatives and additives, and xenoestrogens (estrogens found in plants and chemicals) can disrupt hormonal balance and make it more difficult for you to conceive. Reducing or eliminating these toxins from your diet may improve your chances of becoming pregnant.

 

Reduce Stress: Stress from your job, your relationship, your financial status, and even your attempts to become pregnant can also disrupt your hormonal balance and make it more difficult for you to become pregnant. Undergoing IVF often adds to your stress levels, making it more difficult to find ways to relax. However, activities such as meditation, acupuncture, or even just spending time with family and friends can help you counteract that stress and heal your body.

 

Exercise More: Exercise not only helps to reduce stress, but it also helps to increase "feel  good" hormones that improve mood and wellness. Exercise also helps to strengthen your body and improve circulation, helping to enhance the overall functioning of all the systems in your body. All of these benefits enhance your fertility, making your chances of conception through IVF better.

 

Sleep More: You need at least 8 or 9 hours of sleep each night in order for your body to rest and restore itself. Lack of sleep contributes to increased stress levels and an overall reduction in your body's efficiency. Many of your internal systems begin to break down, including digestion, metabolism, and fertility. Making sure you are getting at least the minimum amount of sleep each night -- and more if you need it -- can improve your chances of conception.

 

Increase Healthy Eating: Not only should you be eliminating harmful substances from your diet, but you should also be increasing the healthy foods and nutrients included in your diet. Ensuring that you get the right vitamins and nutrients in your diet -- such as B vitamins, magnesium, and others -- can help you to improve your fertility. Though there are many supplements you can take to ensure you are consuming enough of the vitamins most closely tied to fertility, simply eating a healthy diet that is loaded with fruits, vegetables, lean proteins, healthy fats, and whole grains will be enough to improve your health and your fertility.

 

When you are grappling with infertility, it may seem like nothing you do can make a difference. You may have struggled for years, and IVF is your last chance at having a baby yourself. However, following these tips may be able to improve your fertility and increase your chances of success.

Catie Keeler is the primary researcher and writer for mortgagerates.info. Her most recent accomplishments include graduating from the University of North Carolina in Chapel with a degree in business and communications. Her currect for for the site involves: jumbo mortgage rates and mortgage rates florida.

Headed to Germamy (and the reason why)

Connie's arrival could not have come at a more perfect time. I am going to be taking the rotator, with Abigail, to Ramstein Germany very soon. (As always, I don't give exact dates on my blog.) I will actually be going back to Landstuhl hospital, where I had Abigail over a year ago, to get a specialized ultrasound done that they do not do on the island.

The reason: IVF #5.

I wasn't sure I was going to write about this on my blog. But I guess I am. I just decided to about four seconds ago. It's on my mind. And when something is on my mind, I write about it. Avoiding writing about what is on my mind is almost painful to me. I think that's why my blog is so honest (and sometimes vulnerable.) I have to say what is there.

And right now, what is there is IVF.

IVF. Again. Our fifth try with IVF to be exact. We are going back for our embryos in December.

So to answer the questions I can picture floating around on the back of your tongue.

Why now? Well why not. When is it a good time? No time like the present. In short, I am 35. Not getting any younger. We don't like having them "in limbo." So we decided to go for it. In the end, we just feel the Lord saying, "GO!" and so we shall go.

Will it work this time? No idea. No one can know. No one can know whether my issue, previously, was something related to our embryos or whether it was something within my body that has now corrected itself. In speaking with Dr. Coddington, who was my doctor for most of my infertility journey and who is still at Mayo, my embryos look "excellent." This was confusing to me because I had been under the impression, previously, that they were not very good. But he said he is not sure where I got that information from. That he feels that they look great. He felt confident that our chances of this working were as good as anyone's and there was no telling whether our previous failures would be repeated.

Can you deliver on the island? No. Just like Turkey. I'd have to leave the island for delivery. Not something I enjoyed the first time. Not something I'd want to do the second time. But who even knows if I'll get to that point.

Are you actually ready to add another child to your brood? No. Not really if I am honest. I had three kids three and under. Now I have three kids four and under. I don't feel quite ready. But we have Connie here. I am 35 (which is considered 'advanced maternal age.') We are fully committed to those embryos. We feel we must not forget about them. We are following the Lord's leading.

How many embryos will you transfer? The answer is: 2. Protocol has changed since I went in for my first four IVF's, the last of which was in the summer of 2007. They will dethaw all 7 of our remaining embryos and attempt to get them to grow further outside of my womb but in the lab. Some may die. Some may live. But these embryos, because they are fully developed, have a better life expectancy inside the womb. So Dr. Coddington recommended transferring no more than 2. Not 3 like I did during our last try with IVF. So two I will do. Any embryos past the number 2, can be refrozen for another try at a later date.

How do you feel? Am I nervous? Yes. But this time, not so much about it not working but about the memories. Going back to that clinic. Going back in that ultrasound room. In the operating room. Blood work. Ultrasounds. I'm not really afraid this time of it working or not working. We have three children, and if this is all the family I have, it's a great amount of family for me. But I just don't want to think about that dark place I was in for five years. I don't want to remember all the tears.

In infertility circles, a negative is referred to as BFN "big fat negative." I started thinking about what our infertility entailed and the best I could come up with was:

1. 8 months trying before seeing doctors due to no ovulation -- BFN x 8 (although these didn't result in a phone call to be told the cold, hard facts.)
2. 3 failed attempts to ovulate on clomid -- BFN x 3
3. 2 negative IUIs (artificial inseminations) -- BFN x 2
4. 2 cancelled IUI's -- BFN x 2
5. 1 year on metformin but no other treatments (ovulated twice) -- BFN x 2
6. 1 cancelled IUI/permitted to try on our own -- BFN x 1
7. 4 IVF transfers -- BFN x 4

So that equals 22 times total ... 14 times that we had to have someone call us and tell us (or we found out ourselves) that things did not work. I also thought I would try to estimate how many pills, shots, and doctors appointments this was but quite honestly, I do not even know how to begin to calculate those numbers. I'll just say that from the best I can estimate, I have probably had upwards of one hundred internal ultrasounds. But that is such a crazy guess. I have no earthly idea.

But it's time. We've been on the phone with Mayo quite a bit in the last two weeks getting all the details established. There's lots to figure out. For now I know that I have to get some fancy ultrasound done before I go, and they don't do it on the island. So to Germany I go. I will take Abigail and leave the boys here simply to split up some of the love (aka "responsibility") a bit. I know I will get to see and stay with Shane & Linda (and their doggie Bonnie) in Germany. What a gift that will be.

We are currently planning on doing the transfer this winter. The military gives any family who does "two continuous overseas assignments" (in our case Turkey and now the Azores) up to 30 days of paid time off. They pay to fly us back to our "home of record" and they allow JB to use his vacation days to go.

So we will fly to South Florida as a family, spend a week, and then JB and I will leave the kids with family in South Florida and go to Rochester, Minnesota for the trasnfer (and get to see old friends like Ron & Ebby, Dave & Lesley, and Jake & Rana), and then we will return to South Florida to spend Christmas before flying back to the island.

I will keep you posted ... of course. Mostly I ask you just to pray for my emotional well-being during this journey. Again, not for the result, but just for the memories of a darker time that I have no choice but to revisit.

Infertility & Media

"I had tried and failed and failed," she said. "Every woman who has been through all those ups and downs knows the depression that comes with it. So the way it just happened with Sunday was like, 'What?' The percentages were so low. It is the miracle in my life." -- Nicole Kidman

On Infertile ground

"Odds are you know someone suffering from infertility, and odds are, they haven't told you. Help break the silence."

I sat and watched this video on infertility and cried. C.S. John, the Producer of an independent documentary about infertility, contacted me and asked if I'd watch the video. If I liked it, would I blog about it.

I did more than that. I made a contribution and gave him my total support. You can watch the trailer for the intended movie by clicking here. I encourage you to watch the video yourself. It was incredibly moving, and I found myself instantly returned to the dark place I spent five years wading through.

I find myself unworthy of the three beautiful miracles that are now apart of my life. Despite the fact that I am no longer treading the murkiness of infertility, those of you who read my blog know that I plan to make infertility and adoption a part of my life for every breath I have remaining.

I encourage you to join or like their facebook page by clicking here.

To my Grieving Friend

I am so sorry. I have not experienced the exact pain you are currently living through. I can't say, "I understand." But I do know pain. I know how it feels to watch everyone else living a life that you can only dream of. And I know right now life has dealt you a really stinky hand. You feel that life is unfair. You never saw it going this way. You had other plans. You think about what has happened, and you feel your stomach sink. When you wake up in the morning, you have a few seconds before reality sets in. A few seconds before you realize that, in fact, your dream is not the nightmare. Your reality is the nightmare.

You love the Lord. You call Him Father. You grew up following His commands. Sure, you're not perfect. But you're a lot more perfect than other people. You did things the way God said. And despite all that, you are facing news that feels heavier than anyone should be asked to bear. It threatens to suffocate you. It catches in your throat. It overcomes you in places you'd never imagine. The grocery store. The post office. During a commercial. As you lay in bed at night. In a moment that should be happy. But instead all you can feel is sadness. Sadness or nothing at all.

You know it could be worse. Of course it could. It can always be worse. Yes, there are people who are dealing with much more. And you feel guilty about that. You feel guilty about being so sad. You want to let this roll over you. You want it to not mean so much. You want it to not hurt so bad. But it does. It hurts really bad. How can you spend the rest of your life with this pain always a part of your history? You wonder if you will always feel this way. Will every moment always feel this layer of sadness?

I don't have the answers. And to attempt to give them would not be helpful. So instead, I want to tell you what I do know.

I know that this pain will always be a part of you. This pain will always be in your history. But this hurt will not always hurt as badly as it does right now. The Lord will help you find reason. You will never want to relive this pain, but you will be able to say that the pain was good for you. It helped you. It matured you. It grew you. It made you the person you are.

And not only will this pain help you, but this pain will help others. Every time someone confides in you about their hurt, you will able to understand them. You will relate. You will have compassion. You will have the words (or lack thereof) that are exactly what they need in their moment of pain. You will be their friend. You will be exactly what they need.

This hurts. Bad. But dear friend, I promise you that the Lord is with you. He sees your pain. He feels your pain. And He will put purpose into your pain. I promise you that someday, you will look back. You will not want to go back to this place. But you will not hurt the same. You will feel better. Your pain will not suffocate you anymore. You will make peace. You will have peace.

I once had a friend who had faced a fierce blow. When we next saw each other, significant time had passed. As we walked along the beach eating ice cream and sharing about our lives, I asked her how she was. And she said to me, "I knew I'd be sort of happy again. But I thought I would be faking it. I really didn't believe I could find happiness again. Not happiness that was real and more than just lip service."

But she had. God had brought her back to a place of peace. The sadness will always be part of her. But now it is a part of her past ... not her present.

I cannot tell you how long this pain will last. But I can tell you that joy will come in the morning. Tell the Lord how you feel. Confide in Him. Be honest. Yell. Scream. Beg. Plead. Weep. But don't stop loving Him. Fight bitterness. And fight to praise. Remember, God is who He is, no matter where you are.

And know that I am praying for you. I will pray for you now. I will pray for you on your good days. And on your bad days. And on the days in between.

I love you friend. God and I both love you. And we are here for you. Lean on us. We can take it. Let's grieve and let's praise Him in this storm ... together.



P.S. Click here to listen to a song that has been my theme verse during my darkest days: Casting Crowns: Praise You in this Storm. To read this post on my original blog, click here.

The Child Who Was Never Born

JB saw this on Facebook and sent it to me. I immediately thought of my friends who have lost their children before they got to meet them on this earth. I immediately thought of the eleven embryos that we lost during our IVF journey.

China Shoes

I have very few items on my "get-out-of-my-house-if-there-is-a-fire" list. The quilt our friend in Florida, Rachel, made us for our wedding. Some photo albums. A cross JB made me while we were dating with our names on it. A scarf Hatice made me.

And these shoes. 

The story behind them is not unfamiliar to regular readers. In 2007, just after we had suffered our fourth failed IVF result -- just after we had decided to adopt a daughter from China. We received a gift from an online friend. You can see a picture of the shoes, as they arrived in my mail box by clicking here: Our "China" shoes.

Fast forward. We have two boys. We make the difficult and very painful decision to withdraw our Dossier from China due to increasing wait times and increasing costs. To not adopt China. To not bring the daughter we always pictured being in our family ... home.

I sent the shoes to a friend who was having a daughter. Her name was Rachel too -- but a different Rachel from the one who made the quilt. I told her to keep them. That I couldn't use them anymore. That I couldn't even see them anymore. They made me sad. Not that we weren't going to have a daughter. I didn't care about that at all. But that pulling out of China made me feel, in a sense, that we were losing a child.

And I couldn't be reminded of that.

But then, a surprise. We were pregnant again. And this time it was a girl. And my friend sent the shoes back to me. She had kept them!

And now, Abigail wears them. She's almost outgrown them. But they remind me, in one moment, of God's providence. Of his amazing ways. Of His ways not being our ways.

And while I was always be a bit sad when I think back on the China adoption that wasn't meant to be, I have realized that Abigail's presence is the presence of the daughter that HE  always planned for us to have.



Dumbo

I remember watching Dumbo as a kid. I cried because it was sad. Sad because Dumbo's mommy missed her son, and he couldn't be with her.

And then I watched Dumbo as a grown-up. And I cried again. I cried because it was sad. I was still sad because Dumbo's mommy missed him. But mainly I cried at another part. You know when the stork was bringing all the animals their babies? Dumbo's mommy watched as all the animals got babies. But she didn't get one. She was sad. And I was sad for her. Because I knew how it feels.

Today I am 35. Most of my friends have children in school. My cousin Sarah, who got pregnant with her son Tyler the year JB and I thought we'd start having kids, had a son in 2003. My Isaac didn't join us for another five years. I was Dumbo's Mommy. I was watching everyone else have their babies. And wondering when the stork would bring my little miracle.

But He did. Not the stork. But my heavenly Father. His timing is unbelievably perfect. I wouldn't change anything. I wouldn't change the person I am because of all that pain. I wouldn't change the compassion I have. And I definitely wouldn't change the exact children we have. I never thought I'd say I'm glad for the pain. But I am. I'm actually ... thankful. Thankful for the experience. And thankful the stork brought my babies a little later than everyone else.

My Testimony

I received an email from a friend going through infertility treatments right now. I often have many women that I am connected with via Hannah's Prayer, email, or in-person. This friend had read these words in a devotional and she shared it with me. I was so blessed to read these words. I often wonder who I am right now. What is my mission? I don't feel like I really fit in with mom groups. I feel like I will always be slightly different. And yet, obviously, I am no longer a part of infertility cycles, technically speaking. This email from my friend reminded me that my testimony is part of who I am. Infertility and adoption are my passions. They always will be.
*****

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God." 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

Have you ever read a really good book? I mean a really good book? One that you can’t put down? You envision what every character looks like, what they sound like when they speak, and even how they walk. You feel like you know them! When you get so engrossed in the story you block the outside work and immerse yourself in the story line. There’s nothing quite like a really good book!
Did you know you are an author? That’s right! Sign your name at the bottom of the page, for you, my friend, are a writer! What are you writing? You’re writing your testimony.

Infertility can really take a toll on your life. It can consume every waking moment, every thought, every interaction. You may find that you are surviving trials that you never would have imagined you were strong enough to conquer. How has God worked in your life? How is God working? Who are the characters in your saga--people who have said really stupid things, or those who wrap their arms around you and understand? Have you learned things about God through your battle with infertility that you never had even considered before? Maybe you found yourself searching Scriptures for answers--and actually found them! Infertile couples have to figure out new ways to communicate and make decisions. Who knew when you stood at that altar that day that you’d have to make decisions like how many embryos to freeze or where the money would come from for all your medications? So many twists and turns in the plot!

Infertility changes you. When you’re in the midst of the battle you cannot see how you are better for it. It helps when someone who has been there understands what you feel, and shares with you how they coped and survived. Do you realize you can be that someone to another person? One day, infertility will be a part of your past, and not your every waking moment. You’re learning things now in infertility’s classroom that you never even considered before. Every trial you face, every month you survive, you are writing your testimony. Every time you pick yourself up and face another month, you’ve written another part of your testimony. You pray and ask God to help you--and He does. There’s another chapter. Another story to tell of how God provided again.

Someone needs to read your story. Someone somewhere is going to need to hear how she is not alone in her battle, and that someone with a similar struggle has survived. You may be in the midst of your fight today, but one day, your story can encourage someone else. Maybe you can see how, maybe not yet. But the day will come when someone new to infertility will look to you for answers. Your story may just be what gets them through that month, or that day.

When you share your story of how God sustained you through trials, you are lining up beautifully with Scripture. Comforting someone else with the comfort you received. Telling someone else, “I know it’s hard. This is what helped me,” is being the hand of Jesus extended.

Perhaps your story is not ready yet. It will be. One day, God can use your story to heal the wounds of someone else. Maybe today, you need the healing. Wherever you find yourself, know that God is working and moving. And writing your testimony with you.

Teaching the Public

As church let out on that Sunday morning and the lobby began filling with people, I smiled across the room as another couple we knew began maneuvering toward us through the crowd. When they reached us, we exchanged hugs as the wife took my arm and pulled me to the side. “Did John tell you?” she asked, excitement and life and joy spilling out from behind her eyes.

I glanced at my husband and watched as a wave of panic spread onto his face. I don’t even remember the rest of what the woman said to me. I just remember trying to look happy. I remember trying not to cry. I remember that all-too-familiar lump growing in the back of my throat.

My husband apologized on the way to the car for the oversight. He had gotten the announcement through the husband. He had meant to tell me. He had forgotten. I nodded. Being prepared for it would have helped. But it wouldn’t have changed the fact that we were still childless - that five years of infertility treatments had left us no closer to the children we always thought we would have. That even though that couple were newlyweds, they were going to have a child.

And we weren’t.

During the years we spent begging, yearning, praying, crying for a child, there were many moments like the one in that church lobby. Moments where I felt my heart breaking when someone said something that reminded me of the losses we had faced.

“I had so wished we could have babysat each other’s children,” one friend said days before she delivered. “Have you thought about adoption?” another asked as their three children played by our feet. “I had a friend who drank this tea,” another woman told me, tucking a piece of paper littered with a scary sounding concoction into my jacket pocket. “Relaxing,” was the key for us, another friend whispered. “Have you thought about taking a weekend away?”

Their well-intentioned words flowed easy off their tongues as they pierced my heart. “You are so young.” “Just be patient.” “Maybe it isn’t meant to be.” Or the husband who, after having a daughter through their first IUI told me, “I so hope this happens for you because there is nothing better than being a parent.”

Ouch.

I would always manage a smile and a polite nod. Sometimes even a few words of thanks would tumble out. But always, when I got home and climbed under my blankets, the tears would come. I would grieve. I would cry.

But always, I would remind myself that these friends and acquaintances, and yes, sometimes even strangers, were not trying to hurt me. It was important that I reminded myself that their intentions were pure. Sure, there was the occasional person who may not have had my best interest at heart, but for the most part, people are good. They are trying. They don’t know what to say. And so sometimes they say something they shouldn’t.

My way of combating this ignorance was to educate people. I started a blog. I told people our story. I wrote posts explaining what you should and shouldn’t say to a woman dealing with infertility. I helped start a Support Group at our church. I encouraged people walking alongside someone going through infertility to use me as a sounding board. I realized that I couldn’t expect people to say the right thing if they didn’t know what the right thing was to say.

If you are in the midst of infertility, you have no doubt found yourself at the receiving end of hard-to-hear words and missed-their-mark comments. I hope you too will remember that people want to help. It is WE, the infertile, who have to teach them how.

'Tis So Sweet to Trust in Jesus

There was a point in my life that I would sing this hymn ,and boom it with all my heart (or boom it quietly with all my heart as not to ruin it for those around me) Trust Jesus? Of course I trusted Jesus. Who wouldn’t?

And all my life, I thought I did trust in the Lord. The Lord was great! He had given me two loving parents, a loving spouse, a roof over my head, a Christian school to attend, athletic abilities that paid for college, fantastic friends, great churches, good health, every job I had applied for. Nothing bad had ever really happened to me.
Of course I trusted Him.

The fact is, trust is easy when your life is going as planned. But when life isn’t going the way you drew it up? How do you trust him then? Trust Him? Well, sort of. I mean, I want to trust Him, but why is He choosing to do things this way? Why doesn't He do them my way? Why did He allow that to happen? He defeated sin.

Infertility shook my trust to the core.

In my case, it was looking around me and questioning all the people God had given a child to instead of giving one to me. Recently it was a little Brazilian baby thrown in the river in a plastic bag. (She survived and people were soon lining up to adopt her.) Mothers having abortions. Teenage mothers. Abusive parents. "Wait!" I screamed at the TV or at the Lord. "Here I am! Give me those babies! Bless me with a pregnancy! I want those children!" Those were moments when I looked to the Lord and said, "Lord, I'm not sure I do trust You. Do you know what you are doing?"

Two and a half years into my infertility journey, a new woman joined us one evening for our quarterly support group meeting. As we listened to her voice her trust issues out loud, another woman with twins from embryo adoption spoke up. "I know what God was thinking. If I wouldn't have travelled the road I traveled, I wouldn't have these two boys -- and these are my boys."

As I was driving home that night, I had the moment I had wanted since this battle had begun. I somehow, finally, trusted the Lord. Or at least understood what that meant. I have been trying so hard -- every step of this journey, but that night I could honestly sing this song and mean it. I realized that while the Lord didn't cause this pain, he was using it every day.

Romans 8:28-31 says: “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to HIS purpose." (NIV) Wait a minute! If not for infertility, I wouldn't have met this woman that night. If my friend with the twins hadn't hadn’t struggled to conceive, she wouldn't have her twins. If not for infertility, what would my faith be?

I don't think, prior to infertility, I would be able to understand when a friend told me they were questioning their faith or grieving a disappointment -- whatever it may be. But now, because of infertility, I understand.
Wendi, trust Me. I've got your best interest in mind. I didn't cause this, but I will use this in your life. When you look back, you will understand, either on earth or in heaven, why things happened the way they did. Trust Me.

Two and a half more years would pass. Five years and more infertility treatments than one person should ever attempt. I am not saying that during that time I did not waver again in my faith or in my trust. I did. Often. But I was able to remember that no matter how my story played out, the Lord had my soul -- my future -- in the palm of my hand. And I could trust that.