There was a point in my life that I would sing this hymn ,and boom it with all my heart (or boom it quietly with all my heart as not to ruin it for those around me) Trust Jesus? Of course I trusted Jesus. Who wouldn’t?
And all my life, I thought I did trust in the Lord. The
Lord was great! He had given me two loving parents, a loving spouse, a roof over
my head, a Christian school to attend, athletic abilities that paid for college,
fantastic friends, great churches, good health, every job I had applied for.
Nothing bad had ever really happened to me.
Of course I trusted
The fact is, trust is easy when your life is going as
planned. But when life isn’t going the way you drew it up? How do you trust
him then? Trust Him? Well, sort of. I mean, I want to trust Him, but why is He
choosing to do things this way? Why doesn't He do them my way? Why did He allow
that to happen? He defeated sin.
Infertility shook my trust to the
In my case, it was looking around me and questioning all the
people God had given a child to instead of giving one to me. Recently it was a
little Brazilian baby thrown in the river in a plastic bag. (She survived and
people were soon lining up to adopt her.) Mothers having abortions. Teenage
mothers. Abusive parents. "Wait!" I screamed at the TV or at the Lord. "Here I
am! Give me those babies! Bless me with a pregnancy! I want those children!"
Those were moments when I looked to the Lord and said, "Lord, I'm not sure I
do trust You. Do you know what you are doing?"
Two and a half years
into my infertility journey, a new woman joined us one evening for our quarterly
support group meeting. As we listened to her voice her trust issues out loud,
another woman with twins from embryo adoption spoke up. "I know what God was
thinking. If I wouldn't have travelled the road I traveled, I wouldn't have these
two boys -- and these are my boys."
As I was driving home that night, I
had the moment I had wanted since this battle had begun. I somehow, finally,
trusted the Lord. Or at least understood what that meant. I have been trying so
hard -- every step of this journey, but that night I could honestly sing this
song and mean it. I realized that while the Lord didn't cause this pain, he
was using it every day.
Romans 8:28-31 says: “And we know that in all
things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called
according to HIS purpose." (NIV) Wait a minute! If not for infertility, I
wouldn't have met this woman that night. If my friend with the twins hadn't
hadn’t struggled to conceive, she wouldn't have her twins. If not for
infertility, what would my faith be?
I don't think, prior to infertility,
I would be able to understand when a friend told me they were questioning their
faith or grieving a disappointment -- whatever it may be. But now, because of
infertility, I understand.
Wendi, trust Me. I've got your best
interest in mind. I didn't cause this, but I will use this in your life. When
you look back, you will understand, either on earth or in heaven, why things
happened the way they did. Trust Me.
Two and a half more years would
pass. Five years and more infertility treatments than one person should ever
attempt. I am not saying that during that time I did not waver again in my faith
or in my trust. I did. Often. But I was able to remember that no matter how
my story played out, the Lord had my soul -- my future -- in the palm of my
hand. And I could trust that.