The following is a story from an online friend who is Swedish -- so pardon a few grammatical differences as you read.
I had always dreamt of marrying and having children. When I married my husband in October 2004, I was so happy. One year after our marriage, we decided to start TTC (trying to conceive) and we never thought that this would be the start of a long trial called infertility (IF).
In 2007, we got the first verdict that we would have difficulties to get pregnant. I remember the first shock of this verdict. Before we got it, I had found so many legitimate answers why it hadn't worked out for us. I was struggling a lot with very little support.
In 2009, we tried some treatments, but all this stressed us both terribly. So we decided to TTC naturally. After a particularly hard time in December 2012 thru January 2013, I understood that we needed to come to some kind of decision and conclusion in this trial. We were considering trying IVF, but eventually we decided not to start that procedure.
In May 2013, I came to a point where I thought that I really needed to choose to accept living without children. For several years, I had been scared about that, but somehow, I understood that I had the right to live and be happy. I really experienced a first deliverance in my heart and the peace came with it. A few months after that, I understood that even if my head had realized and kind of sorted out many things, my heart still needed to grieve and heal certain areas in the process. So, there were still tough days, but my thoughts and feelings were gradually changing.
In November 2013, I realized that all my struggles and trials over the past years, mostly linked to IF, had put me in a position of victim. And "comforting" this position, I could not walk forward because it had become a part of me and so normal and a kind of "comfort".
"I am this, I am that..." I even understood that there was some pride in me about "struggling and living such a difficult life." I will never deny that those times were very, very, very hard; they totally broke me inside.
On one occasion, I got a new kind of perspective about this, and I believe that I had to walk this tough and horrible path from the perspective of my physical eyes. Yet, it was my Lord's path for me, He didn't like seeing me, His beloved daughter, like this, but He was always keeping an eye on me -- and He still is. "He keeps His silence in his love for you." (French version) Zeph. 3V17.
From there, I have been experiencing a new freedom in serving my God among the children at church. So many times, I had read Bible verses about serving Him, entering my destiny, and now when I can see that I am about to do it in a new way, it feels so normal and wonderful at the same time. I wouldn't have thought it was possible to experience joy and peace without becoming a mom. Yet, that is what I am experiencing right now.
Some time ago, my husband and I were sharing the reasons why each one doesn't want to pursue parenthood any more. In fact, most of our reasons were exactly the same. We had already talked about this on occasions, of course, but this was different. I just felt that: "Wow, we have finally arrived to a conclusion as far as it concerns us." Our marriage is blessed and we don't lack anything. Furthermore, our life is so peaceful, and we enjoy not having the pressure to TTC and dreaming about what could have been.
While thinking about my own healing process over these past years, I believe that this choice to give myself the right to have a happy and fulfilled life as I am/as we are my husband and I has been the most important and precious revelation for me. I had to go through grief and suffering, but I did not have to stay in it for the rest of my life.
I can just see how many pieces of my life puzzle have been falling into their place during the past year. And the life I am living right now is very good, because my heavenly Father is very good to me.
(Please note that all parts of this article are the opinion of the guest writer and not necessarily viewpoints that I personally share)
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