Held

I am so excited to have my second piece on the Hannah's Prayer Blog: Held* Please hop over and visit by clicking here. If you missed it, here is the link to the previous piece I had featured on their website. As most of you know, infertility and adoption are my passions, and I am so blessed to be a part of this ministry.

*Held is a blogging outreach of Hannah's Prayer Ministries* and is here to offer support and encouragement to families seeking peace through infertility, pregnancy/infant death or adoption loss, and to provide a resource for our extended families, friends, church communities and larger support networks. If you are a married Christian woman dealing with the heartache of any of these fertility challenges, we also invite you to join us on the Hannah's Prayer Community Forums.

My testimony

I received an email from a friend going through infertility treatments right now. I often have many women that I am connected with via Hannah's Prayer, email, or in-person. This friend had read these words in a devotional and she shared it with me. I was so blessed to read these words. I often wonder who I am right now. What is my mission? I don't feel like I really fit in with mom groups. I feel like I will always be slightly different. And yet, obviously, I am no longer a part of infertility cycles, technically speaking. This email from my friend reminded me that my testimony is part of who I am. Infertility and adoption are my passions. They always will be. Just because I am a mom now doesn't change that. Thanks friend!
*****
"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God." 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

Have you ever read a really good book? I mean a really good book? One that you can’t put down? You envision what every character looks like, what they sound like when they speak, and even how they walk. You feel like you know them! When you get so engrossed in the story you block the outside work and immerse yourself in the story line. There’s nothing quite like a really good book!
Did you know you are an author? That’s right! Sign your name at the bottom of the page, for you, my friend, are a writer! What are you writing? You’re writing your testimony.
Infertility can really take a toll on your life. It can consume every waking moment, every thought, every interaction. You may find that you are surviving trials that you never would have imagined you were strong enough to conquer. How has God worked in your life? How is God working? Who are the characters in your saga--people who have said really stupid things, or those who wrap their arms around you and understand? Have you learned things about God through your battle with infertility that you never had even considered before? Maybe you found yourself searching Scriptures for answers--and actually found them! Infertile couples have to figure out new ways to communicate and make decisions. Who knew when you stood at that altar that day that you’d have to make decisions like how many embryos to freeze or where the money would come from for all your medications? So many twists and turns in the plot!
Infertility changes you. When you’re in the midst of the battle you cannot see how you are better for it. It helps when someone who has been there understands what you feel, and shares with you how they coped and survived. Do you realize you can be that someone to another person? One day, infertility will be a part of your past, and not your every waking moment. You’re learning things now in infertility’s classroom that you never even considered before. Every trial you face, every month you survive, you are writing your testimony. Every time you pick yourself up and face another month, you’ve written another part of your testimony. You pray and ask God to help you--and He does. There’s another chapter. Another story to tell of how God provided again.

Someone needs to read your story. Someone somewhere is going to need to hear how she is not alone in her battle, and that someone with a similar struggle has survived. You may be in the midst of your fight today, but one day, your story can encourage someone else. Maybe you can see how, maybe not yet. But the day will come when someone new to infertility will look to you for answers. Your story may just be what gets them through that month, or that day.

When you share your story of how God sustained you through trials, you are lining up beautifully with Scripture. Comforting someone else with the comfort you received. Telling someone else, “I know it’s hard. This is what helped me,” is being the hand of Jesus extended.

Perhaps your story is not ready yet. It will be. One day, God can use your story to heal the wounds of someone else. Maybe today, you need the healing. Wherever you find yourself, know that God is working and moving. And writing your testimony with you.

Infertility in the Media

Last night while I was falling asleep, Julie & Julia was playing. I loved this movie because it combined blogging (something I love) with cooking (something my husband loves) while also so perfectly including infertility and living life as a tall woman. Only her being an athlete would have made this movie more fitting for me.

I had written previously about this movie on my blog here. And while I could not find a copy of the exact two infertility clips that really moved me in Julie & Julia, I was able to find a video on youtube that did have the clip, albeit no dialouge can be hard.

On the video below, check out the fourth and sixth scenes that come up in the montage. The fourth scene shows Julia and her husband, married many years, receiving news that Julia's sister, who had just married, was expecting a baby. Julia Childs (played by Meryl Streep) so perfectly demonstartes how it feels to be not have children and watch those around you receive that gift. I don't know who wrote this scene or how Meryl did it, but I felt someone had been spying in my own living room when I received pregnancy news over and over again while our own womb stayed empty. Julia is happy for her sister but finds herself crying out of sadness. An incredible mixture of emotions done unbelievably well.

In the sixth scene, Julia and her husband are walking down the sidewalk. They pass a baby carriage, and she glances back and then tries to compose herself. Her husband pats her hand without a word shared between them. Again, the movie portrayed the feeling of infertility perfectly.


After watching these scenes again last night, I realized how beneficial they were to the cause of childlessness. These scenes educate the public on how infertility feels. I decided that I wanted to try and compile a list of positive media sources for infertility and adoption. This can be "famous" people who struggled with infertility or shared their journey. This can be books or movies that portrayed this part of life positively. I really don't want to put up limits as to what I am hoping to compile. Adoption can be included as well -- although I would really like to focus more on the infertility aspect as it is a lot easier to find positive adoption language and concepts than it is infertility.

Can you help? Please leave a comment, or, if you feel more comfortable, you can email me at flakymn@hotmail.com. Thanks everyone! I look forward to developing this list with help from you and research of my own.

LIST IN PROGRESS

Movies

• UP: Recommended by many readers for the opening montage about life without children.
• Baby Mama: Has many references to infertility although there is a surprise pregnancy at the end that can be difficult for those in the midst of infertility
• Meet the Robinsons: Older child adoption
• Immediate Family: Some harsh language but an infertility movie
• Maybe Baby:
• Funny about Love:
• Serious Moonlight: Dark comedy with frustrating ending but good infertility plotline.
• Did You Hear About the Morgans: I saw this; not a great movie but it does show what infertility can do to a relationship. It also has the "happy ending" that isn't always very realistic. 
• Facing the Giants: Infertility storyline, although ending was a little bothersome.

TV Shows

• Giuliana and Bill: features E host Guliana and Apprentice winner Bill's journey through IVF including their subsequent miscarriage.
• The Little Couple: Chronicles fertility journey including IVF and surrogacy. Click here or here or here for video clips of their struggle.
• Grey's Anatomy: About 4.5 minutes into this scene, you see Meredith have a conversation with her husband in the elevator showing, quite accurately, the feelings of jealousy that often accompany infertility.
• Friends: Chandler and Monica's infertility and adoption
• King of Queens: Infertility
• How I Met Your Mother
• Brothers and Sisters: Contains an IF storyline

Celebrities

• Celion Dion
• Nia Vardalos

Myth: Adopt and you'll get pregnant

My friend Amy participated in the "Bust a Myth" Infertility Challenge sponsored by RESOLVE just like I did a few days ago. It's funny, but I was just contemplating the wording to write nearly the exact same post when I hopped over to Amy's blog and realized what I was thinking had already been said.

"Adopt, and you probably still won't get pregnant" she wrote.

I couldn't have said it better myself.

It's funny hearing this coming from Amy and then from me since we both have two little boys one year and less than one year apart. I met Amy online (In fact, it was through Amy that my friend Stebbs and I met each other before either of us relocated to Turkey) while we were knee-deep and needles and doctor's appointments. Failed IUI's. Failed IVF's. A turn to adoption. For both of us.

And then, pregnancy.

But the truth of the matter is, while it may seem like women who adopt get pregnant all the time, it is actually the exception. I've written about this before. How many times have you told my story to someone else? Now how many times have you told the story of another friend you have that adopted and never did go on to have other children? My story passes quickly. Stories of adoptions that do not result in pregnancy do not generate as much "buzz." That's really what it boils down to.

I especially liked when Amy wrote the following:

Soon the comments began. "You hear about this happening all the time," and "See, you relaxed about having a baby and then you got pregnant," and "I knew this would happen." I know people mean well, I really do. I always pray to respond from a place of grace.

I pick my battles. Sometimes I say, "Yes, it does happen," and sometimes I cite the statistics, "Actually, only 5-10% of parents who adopt due to infertility go on to conceive and bear children." And sometimes, perhaps not often enough, I present the answer I believe the strongest.

I believe that we were able to conceive after years of infertility and adoption because God meticulously planned it out just so.

AMEN!Amy, I totally agree. You completely echoed my heart. I hesitate to tell our story because I know what is coming next. JB corrects these people all the time. I correct them most of the time. Sometimes I just don't feel like it. Sometimes they are Turkish, and I know the language barrier will prohibit me from saying what I am thinking.

But either way, the truth is as follows:

• Adoption is awesome in and of itself.
• There is no proof to indicate that adopting results in pregnancy.
• The 5-10% statistic is actually a lower success rate than what a woman who tries on their own faces during any given month.
• No one can say for certain whether a woman who gets pregnant post-adoption would have conceived anyway.
• Telling your friend who is adopting "Watch and you will get pregnant" is NOT recommended. In fact, it can be hurtful (even though that is not your intention). It implies that adoption is not good enough and the "good enough" will come after the adoption.
• Repeating my story or Amy's story to people is great. It shows the Lord's blessings. But please help educate people when you tell it. Please inform people that this is the exception not the rule.

For more information on infertility, please click here. This blog post is part of RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association's National Infertility Awareness Week® (NIAW). Click here for more information on this organization, the largest nationwide non-profit improving the lives of people diagnosed with infertility. This post is part of RESOLVE'S"Bust an Infertility Myth Blog Challenge."

To be fruitful

While working through Beth Moore's Breaking Free Bible Study, I was touched to discover that she was going to devote an entire day to infertility in this study. I wanted to take the opportunity to summarize some of what I learned during this study for those of you who haven't take it before.

Every little girl has at least four main dreams:

1. To be a bride
2. To be beautiful
3. To be fruitful
4. To live happily ever after

Of course, for those of you have been following my blog for any significant portion of the six years I have been writing, you know what my focus is going to be on. Number 3 it is.
Beth Moore actually writes: "Without a doubt, some of the unhappiest women I've ever known have been those who wanted children and were unable to have them." She goes on to say that Shame is Satan's game and that her friends dealing with infertility have asked themselves questions like "Why me? Why my husband? What did I do to deserve this? Is this my punishment for sex before marriage? Is this my punishment for having an abortion? Would I have been such a terrible mother? ..."
Beth goes on to make four fantastic points regarding barenness:

1. Barrenness does not imply sinfulness. Here she uses a scripture from Luke 1:5-7. How I travelled the infertile road without ever seeing this scripture, I have no idea. In the time of Herod king of Judea there was a priest named Zechariah, who belonged to the priestly division of Abijah; his wife Elizabeth was also a descendant of Aaron. Both of them were righteous in the sight of God, observing all the Lord’s commands and decrees blamelessly. But they were childless because Elizabeth was not able to conceive, and they were both very old. This was incredibly powerful to me! Elizabeth and John were walking with the Lord and barren. There was no sin that caused this.
2. Hearts not surrendered to God can seldom be trusted. Beth Moore writes that, "Until we surrender our hopes and dreams to Christ, we really have very little way of knowing what would fulfill us." She goes on to explain that if we are relying on a circumstance to make ourselves happy, we may end up bankrupt. Unhappiness is not solved by any one thing (marriage, baby, job, etc.)
3. God created every life to be fruitful. Beth Moore encourages us to remember that the dream of being fruitful is more than just one of physical offspring. I do believe this is true. I believe we are called to the widows and orphans. We are called beyond what our womb can bear.
4. I believe our girlish dream to have babies represent even more than the obvious. I love the way she explains this. She writes: "[Dreams] represent a desire to have fruitful lives, to invest ourselves in something that matters. Something that affects. Something that grows. It not, wouldn't God be cruel to allow any woman to dream of children yet disable her to have them? I don't believe God allows surrendered hearts to continue to long for things He will not ultimately grant in one way or another. Our disappointment with God is often the result of our small thinking."

Another thing Beth Moore mentioned that I never really thought of, is that one day, all of us will be barren. In other words, I will reach an age (soon in my case) that I will not be able to physically have children anymore. Am I to assume that at this point my fruitfulness ends? So true!***

I have been thinking about this. One day my boys will not need me. It's hard to believe that now. But they will lead their own lives. In my case, I feel lead to be a mother for a long time. We see ourselves adopting for many years to come. What about you? How will you continue to be fruitful when the time for physical fruit has passed?***

... just a few notes to share with you that ministered to me. I hope you find something in these words that minister to you.

***A note which I left out prior but might be helpful if you have done the study. I did find that Beth Moore (and other women in our group agreed) trivialized infertility in the sense that she felt that it could be "replaced" by a role of a spiritual mom. I decided not to focus on this in my outline here on the blog and instead just focus from what I did take. That being said, there was quite a bit that I had to leave behind that just wasn't accurate.

Infertility: The Disease We Need To Start Talking About

Silence might be golden in some circumstances, but in the case of infertility it has been downright destructive.

Recently RESOLVE, one of the only organizations dedicated to infertility, made a bold announcement on its website: "People with infertility are being ignored." I always knew that insurance coverage for treatments such as in vitro fertilization (IVF) is scant at best, and that many doctors still don't treat infertility as a major health issue. I've learned that blatant misconceptions persist when it comes to our reproductive health. And it's no secret that the media doesn't cover this subject as often as it should.

However, what I didn't realize is that infertility patients' reluctance to discuss their struggles and advocate for change is directly preventing those affected from getting the support and funding they deserve. As Barbara Collura, executive director of RESOLVE, explains, "Infertility is not being discussed in the general public health realm -- it's not taught in health classes, it's barely touched upon in medical schools, and it's not a priority of any government entity. Yet how can we expect health care providers, educators, our government, and insurance companies to pay attention to infertility when the patients themselves aren't even talking about it?"

Why the silence? People battling infertility are certainly not alone -- a staggering one in eight couples face it -- yet many feel like it is an extremely personal matter not to be shared with anyone but anonymous women and men on message boards. Some say they feel shame for not being able to procreate or for having faulty plumbing, so to speak. Also, in our somewhat still Puritanical society, we've been brought up to believe that sex is a private matter. Discussing it in some circles, even when it pertains to a medical condition, is taboo.

Of course, not everyone feels that way. For instance, while plenty of celebrities would never admit having gone through IVF (even when so many give birth to twins in their 40s), Giuliana Rancic has helped break the mold by publicly sharing her fertility battle via her reality show Giuliana & Bill. "We had signed on to do this show and when we started having trouble getting pregnant, we decided we were going to be honest and reveal what was really going on," says Rancic, who suffered a miscarriage last year after undergoing IVF treatments.

The result of her candidness was both surprising and inspiring. "I started getting up to 100 emails a day from people telling me that I helped them because hearing my story made them feel less alone and ashamed," Rancic explains. "I was shocked by the fact that so many people go through infertility because so few talk about it. And while experiencing it myself has been more difficult than I could have ever imagined, I've found there really is a comfort in numbers."

However, Rancic is still in the minority: It seems that for most men and women facing infertility, it's easier to deal with something so emotionally, physically, and financially draining without having to field questions and opinions from every well-meaning friend, co-worker, or family member. Such comments like "Just go on a vacation, relax, and you'll get pregnant," or "You can always adopt," are far too painful to even acknowledge, so people figure that by remaining silent they'll avoid opening themselves up to such commentary in the first place.

It doesn't help matters that there's no general consensus on how to label infertility. In 2009, the World Health Organization officially defined infertility as a disease. Yet many individuals, organizations, and insurance companies still say that having children is a lifestyle choice and that infertility is not a serious medical issue. Some even liken fertility treatments to cosmetic surgery. But ask the millions of couples desperately trying to get pregnant whether or not having children is a necessity. Why would they subject themselves to months or years of such turmoil if, to them, it weren't essential that they try?

Certainly, there are plenty of valid reasons while this secret exists, but it needs to end. Thirty years ago, breast cancer was where infertility is today -- women just didn't talk about it (a topic I touched upon in a recent blog post). There weren't countless support groups, fundraising walks, and an entire month enveloped in pink. Women battling breast cancer did so in silence and, in turn, many felt isolated and ignored. However, now because there is such an international dialogue about the disease, breast cancer receives multi-million-dollar grants each year in research funding and patients are inundated with an outpouring of support and understanding.

Other cancers, AIDS, and many other illnesses follow the same path from shame to global support and advocacy: Once people start talking about it, the awareness, funding, and answers follow. "The silence is one of the key reasons why the infertility movement is not where it should be," says Collura. "By people speaking out and letting the world know that these are real issues affecting real people, that would impact advocacy, public education, and public policy."

What will it take to bring infertility out of the closet, so to speak? Possibly it would help if more celebrities like Giuliana Rancic came forward and if the media started covering the topic more extensively (as SELF magazine did with a groundbreaking piece on the subject). Maybe we need thousands of infertility patients and advocates to come to Washington D.C. for their Advocacy Day on May 5th rather than a few hundred like in years past. Or perhaps we just need the domino effect -- once a few people experiencing infertility open up, more will follow suit.

I don't know what the magic ingredients are that will take infertility from an issue no one talks about to a banner "pink ribbon" type of cause. The bottom line is that far too many people are suffering. But by suffering in silence, the stigma persists and the advances we need to overcome infertility will never become a reality. As Collura points out, it starts with those struggling with infertility saying, "We matter."

And when they do, the rest of the world must start listening.

Dina Roth Port, a freelance writer for publications such as Glamour, Parenting, andPrevention, is author of Previvors: Facing the Breast Cancer Gene and Making Life-Changing Decisions. Visit her website at www.dinarothport.com. 

Turkish Infertility

I continue to be blessed by the presence of women in my life travelling the road I have previously travelled. I say blessed because their presence reminds me that our own journey through so many difficult years of infertility had reason. It had purpose. They may think for me for standing along side them, but truly, I find I have so much to thank them for. While I was blessed with many people who stood alongside me despite not knowing at all what infertility felt like, the people who can minister best in the darkness are the people who have been in that darkness and know all too perfectly what it feels like. It isn't pain that can ever be explained.

So many women have said to me, "Wendi, I watched you go through it. I felt for you. But I didn't get it until I did it myself." That is very true. Just like I cannot understand the loss of a child, the loss of a parent, the grief of a divorce -- so only those who have walked this road can truly understand the devastation of being barren.

Two of the women that I am praying and joining with in this journey are here in Turkey. There is no REI (Reproductive Endocrinology) department on Incirlik. In fact, if you remember, there isn't even an OB department (thus my departure to Germany in June). These friends are having to traverse the world of a Turkish REI Clinic -- a whole new ball game! I was honored to accompany one of my friends to her appt. prior to her first procedure and will be visiting the Clinic again with another friend who is beginning the search for answers.

Never, ever, did I think I'd find myself in an infertility clinic in Turkey of all places!

A few things jumped out at me during my first appointment:

• There is definitely a language barrier. There is one doctor who speaks very good English, but even that English is accompanied by a thick accent that can make deciphering difficult at times. But how blessed these ladies are for this one English-speaking doctor. Attaining a translator can take up to two weeks of paperwork. Not really possible when you are playing a spur-of-the-minute game like IUI and IVF. There is also a gal who speaks English who works at the front desk. However, despite how kind she is, I have to wonder what defines something as being able to speak English. Her definition is a stretch!
• The Clinic is sparse, as is most Turkish architecture, but very clean, and very comfortable. The one major difference was that on our tour of the facilities, we noted you were to remove your shoes prior to going into the operating room. This was how it was in Nigeria too. There continues to be more of an emphasis on feet than hands when it comes to germs.
• The cost is incredibly less than that in the USA. One round of IVF in the USA runs approximately 10,000USD. One round here in Turkey, closer to 3,000USD. Quite a big difference.
• Childlessness and the desire to fix this issue is a problem everywhere -- around the world. This is a country that looks lightly on abortion and uses it as a means of birth control. People often only have 1 or 2 children with many years inbetween. And yet the desire to have a child is overwhelming, suffocating, and real enough to fund this many floor building in down-town Adana where people who make only $10,000 a year are spending $3,000 of that in trying to have a baby. Adoption is also not done here. It is very rare. I often do not even tell people I am adopting here. They view me as some sort of angel who did a favor to someone. Oh how untrue that is!
• The lingo and protocol is nearly identical to my years doing IUI and IVF. I was amazed at how quickly all the words and phrases came spinning back into my head. Every word he was using. Every phrase. I knew these phrases. I knew these words. I lived these words. Being able to speak the lingo, to understand the lingo, is incredibly helpful when living this journey.

I want to ask you to join with me in prayer for these three friends. Two are here in Turkey. I am standing along side another family friend who is currently at a stand still in their journey. There is the couple we are sponsoring with Because of Isaac. I have another friend waiting for her son via adoption to come home. I have two friends who have been unable to get answers for their issues due to financial setbacks. I don't want to share names as these journeys are intensely personal for some. But would you add these women to your prayers? Please pray for answers. For peace. And, for miracles.
Amen.

Infertility again

I'm not sure which cycle it was that I met Joanna.

We met on Hannah's Prayer. An online infertility and pregnancy loss support group if you will. A place that I received more understanding, encouragement, compassion, and strength than I can possibly put into words. I don't visit HP that often anymore. And that makes me sad. Time is the only reason though. I love that place. It will always hold a very near and dear place to my heart. I truly am not sure how I would have survived five years of barrenness without it. I hope someday I will have the time to go back and spend time more than just a few moments here and there on HP and support other women as I was once supported.

Anyways, Joanna was my "cycle" buddy for what I believe was my second try with IVF. You often will pair with someone who is going through IVF at the same time as you. You encourage and lift each other up in prayer during the journey.

I hate to sound like I was a bit calloused, but I really wasn't surprised when Joanna got a positive result and I got a negative. That's how it seemed to go with me. Every time I paired with anyone, they got pregnant and I didn't. One of my hardest cries was during my fifth and final IUI cycle. A gal I knew in person was going through her first. Positive for her. Negative for me. It felt so cruel and unjust. So unfair. You go through the normal emotions. You are truly so happy for them but so sad for yourself.

I felt the same way about Joanna. I was thrilled for her but so frustrated for myself. When would it be my turn? Would it ever be my turn?

I got to a point that I truly believed I would never have a turn. That isn't designed to be a bitter statement. It was just how it was. I just thought that that wasn't the direction my life was going to take. And I was coming to terms with it.

But I'm getting away from what this post was about.

Joanna and I have stayed in touch -- albeit not as closely as during that cycle. She told me later that she purposely avoided commenting on my blog or talking to me too much because she knew her little boy would remind me of the children we never got to meet. Her gorgeous little boy is now two and a half years old! Wow how time surely does fly.

But while I now have two children, Joanna is still seeking the Lord's blessing a second time.

Secondary infertility. The "Inability to conceive after having previously conceived a child."

I asked Joanna to help me in painting a picture of how secondary infertility feels. I didn't want to write a post on the topic as if I understood how it feels when I haven't gone through it. I suppose it may be something I deal with in the future. We do not know that we can have any more children with or without treatment. However, right now, I couldn't possibly say I am knowledgeable about secondary infertility.

But Joanna is.

Joanna got pregnant with IVF fairly easily. Why wouldn't she be able to a second time?

Joanna actually doesn't like to call her infertility issues "secondary". It implies that someone has had no problems conceiving a previous child or children, and is struggling for the first time with infertility. "But I don't think there's a name for repeat infertility," Joanna writes. "So I just call it: Infertility Again."

As Joanna wrote about her struggles to have a second child, my heart went out for her. She painted the picture perfectly and why secondary infertility can be so difficult. My blog has always been about helping to educate people on infertility, and I feel this is a topic that needs more discussion.

I am sure there are some of you out there who are dealing with secondary infertility in your own life or in the life of a friend. I paint this picture, with Joanna's help, so that you can relate, in some way to what they are going through. So that you can understand the pain.

Resolve, The National Infertility Association, explains on their website how important it is to seek support with this condition, just like one would while dealing with primary infertility.

To avoid the sense of isolation that often accompanies secondary infertility, and to maintain necessary social support, it is important to educate friends and family members about the common feelings associated with secondary infertility. For example, with some guidance by the couple, friends may understand that declining an invitation to a baby shower relates to pain and grief, rather than a lack of interest in another's family.

Here is just some of what Joanna shared with me:

I was thinking that one thing that makes infertility again so painful and more lonely is that just by the nature of what you do on a daily basis, you are forced to be around pregnant people. And usually these are people who are pregnant for the second or third time. Take the zoo, for instance. When I was dealing with primary infertility, I would never in a million years have gone to the zoo on a regular basis. I would have avoided it like the plague. The same goes for playgrounds, Story Time at the library, and any other activity that screams YOUNG FAMILIES!! But now, because I have a young child, I go to these places. Places where there are other moms of young children. And chances are, if they've had one child they'll have another with no difficulty. Inevitably you see moms with a huge baby belly who have children the same age as your own (or younger even), and you can't help but be reminded.

I feel like I don't fit in anywhere --and that no one understands. Women who are still dealing with primary infertility can't imagine that secondary could feel the same way. "At least you already have a child," they say.

The bewildering thing is that they're right and there is no reasonable explanation to how the ache can be so strong. People who see you with one child assume you could have two, and so they ask when you're going to give your child a sibling. And the most heartbreaking of all is when the child realizes that most people have siblings and voices to you that they'd like one too. As if it's that easy.


Resolve, explains on their website why secondary infertility can be even more painful than primary infertility:

Sadly, couples with secondary infertility tend to receive less social support from others than couples who have primary infertility because the infertility is unacknowledged, the pain associated with infertility is invisible as the couple has a child, and there is no concrete loss in the family. In addition, couples experiencing secondary infertility may be recipients of criticism by others who think they should be grateful for one child and that it is foolish to go to extremes to increase family size. Of course, a couple can be extraordinarily thankful for their existing child and still long for more children.

I also found this diary entry online from a woman with two children but struggling immensely with her desire for a third. Another amazing account that helps paint a picture of how difficult this can be.

I know my friend Kelly dealt with this when trying to conceive her second child. After a surprise first pregnancy, she and her husband were shocked when it took three (is that right Kelly?) tries with IUI to conceive a second. It was incredibly painful and difficult for Kelly. I remember it vividly. I also remember what an encouragement she was to me when I started struggling with my own infertility. She really came along side me.

I hope this post provides you just a glimpse into the journey through secondary infertility (or "infertility again" as Joanna calls it.) We all need people to stand alongside us in our time of sadness, whatever sadness that may be. If you know someone dealing with this, please support them and encourage them and pray for them the same way you would if they had no children.
If you know someone grieving anything at all for that matter. Walk with them. Be their friend. Hug them. You don't have to have the answers -- just the shoulder to cry on.
Also, I know that for those of you dealing with primary infertility, this topic is difficult to swallow. It's why, on HP, primary and secondary infertility was clearly separated into two separate posting areas. Remember that it doesn't matter what the pain is.
Pain is pain. Hurt hurts. We cannot possibly compare grief. We all need to support each other.

Wanderings

I wanted to share a few things that have been ministering to me from our Thursday Bible Study on transforming our speech. We meet every Thursday and inbetween, we have five days worth of studies to work through. I am so enjoying this study!

Here's a few passages that ministered to me during my devotional time today:

"When I look at my heart, I see all the spiritual features that identify who I am. My heart reflects my character, my thoughts, my desires, my emotions, my motivations, and the decisions I make. My face speak of who I am physically just as my heart speaks of who I am spiritually. My words merely give an external voice to the internal speech of my heart.

The image that comes to my mind is the water gurgling up from various underground mineral springs in the beautiful Canadian Rocky Mountains, our summer vacation spot. The water normally stays hidden underground, as part of the water table. But in certain areas it bubbles to the surface and overflows. In each case, the overflow reveals what is hidden. The water comes up hot, cold, or stained depending on conditions below the surface. Our hearts represent the ground from our words spring (Proverbs 4:25)."

I hope to continue to share various things that I am learning during this study so that you can benefit from it as well.

***

Today I went to MOPs. I am enjoying it more and more every week. The opportunity to be with other women in the same place as I am in my life seems to become more and more important to me the older my boys gets. I feel I need growing support.

At the same time, my heart has really been pricked to the fact that just two years ago, this group was not somewhere I could have been. I would have found so much of it painful. So many things too difficult to bear. I attended yet another baby shower this past weekend. What a wonderful time hanging out with fellow women, some mothers and some not. But how hard it would be to go if I were still barren.

I am also reading the Firstborn series of Karen Kingsbury's books. In it, the topic of singleness is discussed in detail. That longing for a mate. The wonder concerning whether it will ever be your turn? Will you be left behind?

I believe there are moments in life where being single is okay. A certain age bracket. But once you leave that age bracket, you find yourself feeling like you no longer fit in. Everyone who is your age has moved into marriage. Those of you who have shared this pain with me, know exactly what I am talking about. I am sure the rest of you can at least imagine it.

The same goes for infertility. There is a period where being married without children is expected and accepted. You have many friends who do not have children. And you fit in just fine. But one by one, all of your friends are having children. And then they are having their second and third child. And you aren't there. And as a result, you feel different. You feel like you don't fit in. When I sit around with women at MOPs, my friends in wifia, or I attend a baby shower, I am reminded how much these activities would be necessary and yet painful. I would need to attend because I wanted to have girlfriends. I needed friends. But they were all moms. And I wasn't. And that, in and of itself, hurt.

As a result, I was forced to ask those who loved me to "edit" their discussions. Please avoid certain conversations if you could when you are around me. Please act this way. Please do this. I don't regret asking for these things. I needed to ask for them in order to be able to function properly. But so much was so painful. I have realized how much people loved me to help me in the way that they did during those years.

Recently, my heart has been pricked to what I can do with this weight I will always carry with me. I was speaking to a gal I am friends with who recently found out she was pregnant after a journey through a year of infertility. How does she transition? It's difficult. She will, forever, have her heart pricked toward the world of the barren. And that isn't necessarily a bad thing. It is something I am glad that I have had pricked. I am glad I carry this weight. I am so much more aware of those that are different than I am. Of those that are hurting. Of those that might be pained by something I say or share. I am thankful for that constant reminder.

And I really want to try to "give" some of my "pricking" to those who have never been pricked. The Lord has been laying on my heart the desire to share with "non-infertiles" how they can help those they love maneuver through this difficult valley. What can they say? What can they do? I have already done a post on this in the past but I want to do more. I am not sure where the Lord will take this. A book? Speaking? Or just continuing to help via email and phone. I don't know, but I am trying to be cognisant of the Lord's leading.

Thank you to all of you out there who have contacted me to say that a past post helped you -- either in dealing with infertility or supporting someone who was going through. Or to ask me what you should say to someone you know. How you can support them. Thank you to those of you who have met infertility head-on and shared your journey with me. Many people feel guilty. They feel guilty sharing their pain when it is only a year old and mine was five years old. PLEASE do not feel guilty. Please share. This helps make me feel that those five years were worth something. That I went through them for a reason.

Elijah will be one year old in just a few days. I have no idea at which point I crossed over from one world to the next. John saw a patient the other day dealing with infertility, and, as he usually does, he shared his story. He came home and looked at Elijah. How did he get here? How, after all of the money and tears and months and months and months, did this little boy get here? We know of course. But it doesn't feel real.

The journey was so hard. And now it is over. And somehow, I want it to continue. Not that journey specifically but the journey through helping others heal and help. Please pray for the Lord to use my life in the way HE has intended. I look forward to watching him move.

I'm sorry

I'm sorry. I'm sorry to my close friends who have faced disappointment during the last few weeks. I had a friend miscarry. I had another friend have a failed IVF. I have another friend who is dealing with a costly and frustrating infertility cycle. I have another friend who had stopped all infertility treatments after another failed IVF. And those are just a few. There are so many more.

I am so blessed by these women who have entrusted their journeys to me. Thank you for allowing you to travel along with you. I know you feel that I am helping you, but I cannot begin to tell you how much meaning it has given to my five years of infertility and the incredible pain that it brought with it. I have feel that it has purpose. Thank you for that.

Please pray for those around you hurting right now. This time of year can be especially difficult on couples yearning for children. On those waiting for that perfect someone. On those grieving the loss of someone they love. Please remember them during the next few weeks. Pray for them. And love them.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

Today is the National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Thank you to those of you who remembered our eleven "sticky babies" by sending me an email of encouragement. We still have seven more little ones waiting for a chance at life that we pray we will get to meet on this earth.

Even more so, I want to remember those of you who have lost children to miscarriage, stillborn, or death after birth. I know the pain lessens slightly but never goes away. My prayers and encouragement are offered today.

Julie & Julia

Great thing about seeing a cooking movie? Your husband comes home, inspired. He's making something for dinner that smells absolutely glorious. I have no idea what it is, but I know I am going to love it.

Julie & Julia was a fantastic movie. One of the best movies I have seen in recent memory. I strongly recommend it to anyone and everyone. Fairly family friendly but probably more of adult interest. It was especially fun to watch as a tall woman. Julia Child was a very tall woman in her era and it was a fun part of the movie. I could feel her attempt to meld into a life she always felt too big for.

It was also a movie which dealt with infertility. I had no idea that would be the case. I had no idea that Julia Child was childless.

The inclusion was slight. A second glance when a woman walked by pushing a stroller. A letter from a pregnant family member. Whoever wrote those scenes must have dealt with infertility. They were incredibly well done. A perfect representation of scenes that played themselves out in my own marriage, in our home, many times during our five year journey. I could feel her pain so vividly. Both JB and I could.

To my friends struggling with infertility, my personal opinion is that while the scenes will cause you to tear up, this is a movie that will not hurt you emotionally. I think it will provide you encouragement as to the happiness that can exist in marriage despite the heartache that can accompany it. I think it will encourage you to see Hollywood so accurately represent an infertile woman's pain. They really got it.

If you have a moment ...

. . . pop over to Becky's blog. Today would have been the due date of their little Johannah who went home to Jesus way too early. My heart aches for John & Becky today, and I'm sure she'd love to hear that people everywhere are praying for them.

Please pray for my friends

I have three different friends who are on my mind today. They know who they are. They are all struggling with totally different aspects of the infertility journey: medical complications, early desires for children, considering moving to adoption . . .

All of these have such emotional baggage attached to them. All of them hurt so badly. All of them are things I so want to fix but have no power over. I know prayer works. But when all I can do is pray, sometimes I am left feeling so helpless. I want to fix it. I don't want them to hurt like I did for five years. I feel guilty that I have two boys. Why do I have two boys and they have none? Why can't the world just be fair?

If you think of it, please say a prayer for my three friends today. I won't share their names, but trust me in that they covet your prayers immensely. Pray for peace. Pray for direction. Pray for strength. Pray for wisdom. Pray for guidance. Pray for comfort. And pray that the Lord gives them the desire of their heart: a child to join their loving family.

If you could stop, right now, while you are reading this, and spend thirty seconds in prayer for these three women and the many other women reading this blog who are with them on this difficult journey, I would greatly appreciate it. I am realizing that my heart will never be far away from this topic. It is so close to my soul and I feel it so deeply despite the fact that my journey is not nearly as intense as it once was.

Thanks everyone.

Embryos and transfers

I had gotten a question my blog a few weeks back from June who was preparing to go back in for another IVF. She asked me how to emotionally prepare for the return for more embryos.

This is tricky since I only know about IVF preparation without having a child. I really wonder how I will feel when we go back for our seven embryos now that I have my two boys. I definitely know that it will be less stressful and less emotionally difficult for me after already having my two boys. But how much easier? Will the shots and appointments and procedures and two week wait be considerably easier or still an emotional roller coaster? I cannot answer this. Stay tuned to this blog to find out as we have a minimum of two embryo transfers remaining.

Speaking of returning, I often get a question regarding when we plan to return for our embryos. I can only tell you what our current plan is, and as always, these plans are subject to change. Currently, we are really hoping that next summer we will be sent overseas to fulfill JB's four years of payback to the Air Force. If we are overseas, we are planning to wait until after JB does his payback before returning for the embryos. If we are in the states, we will reevaluate when we go back as it will be much easier for me to travel to have the procedures done than it would be if we were overseas. We currently think that we will wait at least two years and as many as four from the time that we get our new station assignment. (This is called PCS-ing . . . permanent change of station.)

As for the number of transfers we will have to do, I am not really sure. Originally we thought that we would do a transfer of 3 embryos. If that worked, then we would do another with 2, and then another with 2. If that didn't work, we were pretty confident that Mayo would allow us to do a transfer with 4 since 3 of our embryos are of very poor quality. (The other 4 are of fairly good quality.) However, now that I have had a successful pregnancy (something we were not sure was possible) we are not sure if they will let us do a 3. This may mean a 2, 2, 2 and 1 or a 2, 2, and 3. We will have to wait to see what the doctors at Mayo say. Mayo is extremely conservative with their embryos and will not allow us to do more than either they or us feel comfortable with.

Currently our embryos are our number one priority. We will return for them before we ever contemplate any children through adoption or even biologically aside from IVF (we aren't sure, for the record, that we are even capable of conceiving again without treatment as we did with Elijah. We do not know if this was a once-in-a-lifetime miracle or if it could work more regularly now that my body has been "jump started.") Once we have given all seven of our "sticky babies" a chance at life, we will discuss whether we would adopt again or attempt to conceive on our own. However, what we do know is that because I will have to have c-sections for any remaining children we may possibly have, I can't have an unlimited number of these. The pregnancies I do have remaining (if any) must be reserved for our embryos. They are life, and we are wholeheartedly committed to them.

We feel total peace with whatever the Lord has for our family. If that is just these two boys, fantastic. If it is all seven of our embryos working, great. If it is adopting many other children, awesome. If it is biological children aside from IVF, cool. We are going to let Him lead.

But that is off the topic a bit. Back to preparing for IVF. All I can offer, right now, is advice on how I handled IVF. These are my tips for anyone going in for infertility treatments. I realize that this is a short list. Can you guys help me add to it?

• Seek support online from a good online support group like Hannah's Prayer.
• Seek support from an "in-person" support group if available.
• Seek support from a counselor or psychiatrist.
• Seek support from family and friends. My personal advice is to let them in on what you are doing.
• Attempt to find a form of stress relief for the two weeks proceeding, during, and following your treatment. This would include massages, acupuncture, spa treatment, etc.
• During the two week wait, plan something "fun" to do with your spouse or a friend each day. This gives you something to look forward to. Spa treatments, movies, dinners out, anything that you can look forward to.
• Don't have too much down time. Keep yourself busy. Idle time will drive you batty.
• Avoid taking too many HPTs (home pregnancy tests.) (Like I followed this advice! Ha!)

I'm not sure any of these suggestions can truly prepare or help during the emotional roller coaster that individuals go through when they are involved in an IVF transfer and a two week wait, but they are what helped me not totally lose my mind.
Does anyone else have any suggestions that worked for them during their harvests, transfers, and subsequent 2ww? I'd love to add to this list?

Lullaby follow-up

Thank you to everyone for the great comments and discussion regarding yesterday's post on lullabies being played at the hospital. I especially thank those of you who shared some very personal recollections of their own losses.

A few follow-up comments.

As far as the hospital's motivation, JB had a talk with the colonel in charge of instituting the new policy back when he first heard about this in '07. I can assure you that her intentions were very pure. She thought it would make the hospital happier, more upbeat, focus on the good things that were occurring there -- that sort of thing. I have no doubt that her intentions were good ones. She respected JB's opinion to the contrary but definitely believed that the lullabies would serve the greater good. My post does not second guess her intentions whatsoever. I don't think anyone is intending to hurt anyone here.

Secondly, as I read all the comments, I think I realized what this issue is really all about. It's about location. The issue really boils down to where you celebrate. It would be completely inappropriate to celebrate a wedding at a funeral. It would be considered poor sportsmanship for a winning team to go and celebrate at the losing team's school.

It isn't that those who have a baby should feel guilty or fail to celebrate. By all means, celebrate like crazy! However, it would not be appropriate to celebrate the birth of a baby at an infertility meeting. It would not be appropriate to celebrate the birth of a baby at the funeral of one who had just passed away. I think that is what this all really boils down to. Location and appropriateness of the celebration. A hospital is a place where there is a lot of sadness. Some may argue (and most likely this is what hospital staff were thinking) that the lullabies would lighten the mood in the hospital. Opponents would argue that they hurt those that are already hurting.

Life is beautiful. I do not think you will talk to one gal struggling with infertility who would say that baby showers should be eliminated. They think baby showers and birthday parties and baby dedications are amazing events. Their sadness is that they don't get to participate in those events themselves, not that those events should not occur. I think that is a very important point to understand. People who are celebrating should in NO WAY not feel that they can celebrate. They should not feel guilty for celebrating. They should celebrate the amazing gift of life. But doing so in the correct venue is very important.

I liked my friend Ebby's post last year regarding the lullabies. She didn't like them when she was in the hospital because they woke her up! That's reason enough to get rid of them.

Thank you for the polite and insightful comments regarding this topic. I do not fault anyone who disagrees with me on this topic. It's a touchy one. But since it is my blog, I do get the last word! Ha! Maybe I need to communicate with my husband via blog.

Lullaby update

It was back in September of 2007, nearly two years ago, that I wrote a post about lullabies played in the hospital. JB had gotten wind that Eglin was thinking of implementing the "lullaby after baby is born" policy in their hospital. He was adamantly against its inclusion in his place of employment.

Back then, things were different for us. We had just faced IVF negative #4. We had gotten on China's adoption list. We had accepted the fact that biological children were probably something we would never have.

Fast forward to today. May 2009. A lot has changed. We have two boys. One from my body. One from Bri's.

And yet I am still, adamantly, against those darned lullabies.

Yesterday we went up to the hospital for Isaac to get his 12-month shots. As Daryl Hannah (... okay, so she's not really Daryl Hannah, but I think she looks like Daryl, so we call her that every time we go in ... not to her face of course ... although I don't think being called Daryl Hannah is offensive, is it?) ... Anyways ... as Daryl Hannah was putting my information in the computer, I heard it.

A lullaby.

Let me preface this post by saying that I totally respect those of you who don't agree with me. We had a great "comment discussion" about this back in September. I respect those of you who think the lullaby is a nice inclusion in a hospital.

I, however, am not one of them.

So back to my story. Daryl typing. Lullaby plays. I scrunch my nose. Daryl looks up from computer and smiles.

"What was that?" I asked even though I already knew.

"A lullaby," she said. "It means a baby has been born in the hospital."

"Are they playing those now?" I asked. "Every time a baby is born?"

"Yep. Isn't it great?"

I thought about nodding and smiling, but I just couldn't do it. I had to be honest.

"I don't really think so," I said.

Daryl looked visibly shocked.

"I don't know," I began. "I mean, it's wonderful that a baby has been born, but at the same time their room is celebrating, there are other women in the hospital who just got difficult news."

I listed all the possibilities. Finding out you had a miscarriage. Having a doctor tell you that your full-term baby has passed away (something JB had to do recently). Being told that you'll never have children. Getting a negative pregnancy test -- again. Being told your own child has passed away or has a terminal illness and might die.

"What about all those women?" I asked Daryl. "How would they feel?"

Daryl nodded and said she understood my point. "But if I couldn't have kids," she started, "I would just adopt."

I knew enough from past conversations with Daryl that this wasn't the case. She had told me tons about her own children and even made the comment that sneezing made her pregnant. And she had pictures on the wall behind her to prove how true that was.

I again contemplated keeping my mouth shut. But I went on. "He's adopted," I said, rubbing the top of Isaac's head. "I love him like crazy. And Elijah," I said, nodding my head toward the waiting room where he and JB were waiting, "Is an incredible blessing. But I spent five years trying to have kids. I can't imagine how painful it would have been for me to listen to a lullaby play 2, 3, 4 times a day."

Daryl was kind even though I could tell she thought I had jumped way overboard on the topic. I didn't care. I was hurting so badly inside. I was thinking of all my friends who are still waiting on children. I was thinking of people JB works with who come to that hospital every single day. And every single day they would be reminded that someone else just got what they dream of having. I was thinking of our friends who just moved and how glad I was that they moved before they had to hear this.

I walked out of the shot room with a screaming Isaac, and as JB scooped him into his arms he looked at me and said, "Did you hear the lullaby?"

The look on my face told him I had.

"I'm writing a letter," he said. "To someone." It wouldn't do any good I told him, but he didn't care.

We talked all the way out to the van. All the way back to our house. We both acknowledged that it wasn't just those people still waiting that we hurt for. The lullaby reminded us, somehow, of those years of pain. Those years that that song would have been a painful reminder. JB said it would have been so hard for him to hear that at work everyday, even as the guy, while I waited at home, with empty arms.

To those of you still waiting, I am sorry for any pain reminders bring you. To those of you who disagree with me, I totally respect that.

However, I just had to write this. I just had to say something about it to someone.

Thanks for listening.

Mother's Day

Tomorrow is Mother's Day.

It's strange that this holiday -- a holiday that I have wanted for so long to celebrate -- is now a holiday that I celebrate cautiously, tenderly, with a strange combination of contentment for myself and pain for others in my heart.

I celebrate this way because I know what it is like for this holiday to hurt. And, in a strange way, it is a holiday that still hurts.

I could list ten names, twenty, maybe thirty. Women who will not go to church tomorrow. The flowers on the blouses and the acknowledgment by standing during service of moms will be too painful for them to watch and partake in.

For four years, we skipped church on the Sunday. We found solace in our canoe trips. Miles away from families and flowers and pain. We'd pack a lunch and go off jut the two of us. They were quiet days. We both knew why we were canoeing. But we didn't talk about. We talked about the birds and the fish and the beautiful Minnesota weather that had finally fallen upon us.

My own mother understood that while I tried to celebrate her, my own pain was so great, it was difficult to acknowledge that this day even existed. It was selfish of me. But it was something I couldn't escape from.

For some, the day will be doubly hard. Many churches use the occasion to celebrate new life. with baby dedications. As one of my friends said once, "Stab me twice. Mother's Day and Baby Dedication Sunday all wrapped up into one." The two hardest things to participate in at church celebrated on one day.

So many weeks I'd leave church, holding back my tears, only to sit down in the passenger seat in the car and find myself flooded by everything I had held inside.

Instead of skipping church, many women will brave it. They will sit through church. And they will fight that lump in their throat the entire time. They will look back over the last year, two, five, ten of their lives. They will recount their journey. They will watch mothers sitting with their children. They will wish that they were among them. They will try to be happy for others. They will go to lunch with their own mom. But it will hurt. Later that night, they'll crawl into bed and finally give themselves permission to grieve what they do not have.

They will probably feel guilty, as I did. Guilty that I was unable to even celebrate my own mother in the way she deserved to be celebrated on that day because my hurt was so great. That one day was a culmination of everything I wanted and everything I did not have.

It isn't just infertile women I think of on Mother's Day. It's single gals who wish they were married. Wish they had children. It's children who have recently lost their mother. It's someone who just lost a child or had a miscarriage. It's a range of individuals.

Don't get me wrong. We can't go through life avoiding celebrating. Each holiday brings someone pain, for some reason or another. Mother's Day was created for all the right reasons. And mothers everywhere deserve to have at least one day a year that they are reminded they are doing a good job.

Last year on Mother's Day I was in a mini-van, driving back from Fort Lauderdale with our two day old Isaac in the car. I came home to flowers and decorations from my dear wifia gals -- celebrating with me the child we had waited for for so long. It was Mother's Day. And I was a mom. At long last.

This year on Mother's Day my husband is in Texas. However, he left a present for me. Hidden. He said I had to have Isaac show me where it is. Isaac doesn't seem so willing to share the location. I may have to ask JB to give me a few hints.

I feel amazingly blessed that I am a mother. I am so amazingly thankful. And yet I also, still, have such a heavy heart for those men and women who will be sad tomorrow. Those individuals who will be grieving the loss of a loved one. The loss of a dream. The loss of a child.

My online friend Stacy has travelled the same road as me. Her road was not plagued by IVFs that did not work. Her's were even harder. Two miscarriages. Then adoption. And now, a little girl, poised to make her debut very soon. She wrote a piece for her church bulletin about just this topic. She writes:

Today, Mother’s Day 2009, I could celebrate that my future will hold children just 11 months apart. I could celebrate that my battle with infertility has come to an end. But instead, today I choose to celebrate that God restored my soul…before he restored my circumstances. I celebrate that he healed my heart. I celebrate freedom from the bondage of bitterness. I celebrate the blessing of waiting on the Lord.

I pray that I am able to do the same tomorrow. I pray that we are all able to remember those individuals sitting next to us, in front of us, behind us in church who are sitting in pain. For those couple at the booth behind you at the restaurant who have no children. For your friend who lost her mother. For you neighbor who was recently divorced and is grieving her loss of a husband and the loss of future children.

I ask all of you remember those individuals. Even if you choose not to address it publicly with them, please pray for them tomorrow. To those of you reading this post who are still dreaming of children, I will be praying for you tomorrow.

You know who you are. I don't need to say your names.

The entire day. I will be praying. I will be praying that the Lord gives you peace. I will be praying that the Lord gives your heart rest.

I will be praying that the Lord gives you the deepest desires of your heart.

How comforters are created

Sunday evening, Becky joined our family and Joan for dinner. As dinner concluded, the three of us gals found ourselves sitting around the dinner table talking about infertility and pregnancy loss. Both Joan, Becky, and I have each travelled (and are travelling) a lengthy and hard road to parenthood. It was wonderful to be able to talk with two kindred spirits about a topic so close to my heart.

Joan had shared a devotional passage with me from one of Charles Stanley's publications early on in her visit to Eglin. I have found many scriptures that have brought me comfort in the course of our journey to parenthood, but I don't remember ever having read this scripture:

2 Cor 1:3-4 "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God."

How have I missed these verses for all these years?!

I can vividly remember walking out of a public restroom stall during an especially painful time of our infertility journey. I don't remember exactly where I was or exactly which bad news we had just received. But I do remember shutting that bathroom stall door, putting my face in my hands, and sobbing. I remember telling the Lord, "That's it! That's enough pain! I now feel like I have experienced enough pain to understand it and provide understanding to others."

Looking back, I can now see that I didn't possibly have enough understanding to relate to the plight of others on this journey. God needed me to have more. He needed me to really go into the valley so that I could truly understand the hurt people feel when they are there. Being in the valley is horrible. It hurts so badly. But he needed me to be there so I could understand what it felt like.

That pain has allowed me not only to be there for new friends like Becky as they travel the road we just travelled. It is a pain that transcends infertility and moves into many other realms. I remember the divorce of another dear friend. As I sat in my living room crying with her, I remember feeling like I understood exactly what it felt like to have a dream ripped out from underneath you. She had so many thoughts and plans and hopes for her life. What did she do with those dreams that would never come true? I didn't understand what divorce felt like. But I did understand what the loss of a dream and the grief that accompanies that loss feels like. That I understood.

Here is the devotional in its entirety. I pray it ministers to you as it has to me.

Job asked a challenging question in his time of suffering: "Shall we indeed accept good from God and not accept adversity?" (Job 2:10). Even hardship has a place in the Lord's plan.

During a particularly painful time in my life, I decided that I ought to glean something from my distress. That decision allowed the Lord to open up a well of compassion in my heart that I often dip from to comfort those facing similar trials.

I found great solace in Paul's words about God, who "comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction" (2 Cor 1:4). Think about the kind of people you seek out when you feel hurt. You want someone who has felt your pain, right? A person who's walked the path we find ourselves on can understand our suffering and provide wise counsel. According to the apostle, passing through a "valley experience" prepares us to be a blessing and encouragement to those who must go through something similar later. What's required is that we accept the adversity He has placed in our way and choose to learn from the situation.

God is the Lord and Master of our life, and He therefore has the right to use us as comforters and encouragers to those in our sphere of influence. As His servants, we must be willing to receive whatever training is necessary to complete His will, even when it hurts. Do not waste your suffering! Instead, use it to bring glory to the Lord.